Sunday, February 12, 2006

The Secret Menu

It happens all the time, a guest looks up from the menu to ask if you have an item that's clearly not listed " Do you have a Spinach Salad?" or after reciting the features for the evening a guest will ask "Are there any other specials that you didn't mention? ".

For a moment I waver, I want to tell them, but I'm forbidden by the arcane rules of the Secret Order all servers belong to from revealing that which they seek........ The Secret Menu.

The pressure of hiding this knowledge has finally become too much however and today I will reveal the truth.

If this is my last post then you will no that my Dark Overlords have taken me to the Eternal Denny's to work midnight to 8 am for the rest of time but I can no longer be silenced.

Over the years I have seen them, The Seekers, those brave and intuitive restaurant diners who have gleaned enough to realize that all restaurants have ........... A SECRET MENU.

Yes it's true, there is another menu that only The Chosen One's can view and it is glorious. On The Secret Menu fresh lobsters dance with veal chops, foie gras and truffles of colours most people have never even seen. The Secret Menu is always available, even at midnight when the Visible Kitchen is closed. The Secret Menu has every ingredient known to man, and more, and the Secret Kitchen is never too busy to prepare any item your palate craves.

Of course the Secret Menu is accompanied by the Secret WineList with cult Cabernet, First Growth Bordeaux and Grand Cru Burgundy standing shoulder to shoulder with Super Tuscans all at pre DotCom prices.

My fingers burn as I type these words but I care not what my punishment will be ....... THE TRUTH MUST BE TOLD.

To you, The Seekers, I pass the torch.

Do not be put off by the waiter who insists, and they will, that "this is the only menu we have" - smile knowingly but insist that they bend to your will.

Ignore all those who tell you that "the kitchen has been closed for half an hour" ...... this is pure folly, hold true and the Secret Kitchen will be summoned to deliver your well done porterhouse in ten minutes flat.

Of course the special you had 8 months ago that "had some type of shrimp in it" is available. All specials since the dawn of time are on The Secret Menu, they wait in the garde manger of the Secret Kitchen and will appear as certainly as death, taxes and the GST if only you have the will to fight for it.

As surely as any bartender can easily re-create that "martini with Alize in it, you know the one they serve at that place downtown" in a flash, so too can the Secret Menu be yours, if only you have the courage to demand it.

Bring forth The Secret Menu - it's yours for the taking.


  1. gimlet2:48 AM

    Yes, the Secret Menu... it's almost as deeply hidden as the Secret Relationship that I have with the Owner / Manager Who Doesn't Know My Name or Remember Me But Always Gives Me a Window Table or Table When We are Fully Booked

  2. I demanded the secret menu at Milestones in Kelowna yesterday and the server almost miscarried.
    Then I was ushered out by guys in suits wearing earpieces.